Inviting Eros Post Holidays

holidays blues

I hear many couples in long-term relationships say that the best sex they have is on holiday. It makes sense: they are far away from home and all the house chores, they are away from work pressure. There is no specific schedule. The different environment brings plenty of novelty. And there is the luxury of hotels. All of these ingredients can build the perfect stage to invite Eros in the spotlight.

By contrast, the end of the holiday period can come some flat mood, often called the ‘holiday blues’: going back to the reality of the daily grind means going back to a sexual desert: dry, quiet without much life.

I say to couples that going back to ‘normal life’ doesn’t have to be dreaded. In fact, it can be a period with the opportunity to take some of your holiday ingredients back home with you. There will be nothing to declare at the customs because those ingredients won’t need a suitcase, they will be located in your mind, more specifically: in your erotic mind.
You can’t take the luxury hotel and the beach with you, but you can take those memories with you, and the memories can live and thrive in your own bedroom.

How does it work?

Think of your best sexual time on holiday with your partner. Take a moment to remember it with all of your senses: what it looked like, how it felt in your body, the colours, the smells, the sounds. Remember the sexual encounter from beginning to end. Then identify which part of that memory is the peak erotic moment for you. You might be surprised that it is not necessarily the orgasm part. It is different for everybody. Be honest with yourself. Is it the part where you notice your partner desiring you? Is it when you start to kiss? Is it when you feel your erection growing? Is it when you hear your partner having some pleasure? Is it when you feel in control? Or when you feel your partner takes charge? When you have identified your peak erotic moment of that memory, do the same exercise of other holiday sexual memories. Is it the same type of peak erotic moments that arises you the most? Or are they different?

Don’t stop there. Now you can check your sexual fantasies. They are different from memories. Fantasies are arousing stories that you might not want to do in real life. Have a look at your fantasies and check which fantasy is the most arousing. It is important to be unashamedly honest with yourself. The most erotic fantasies can sometimes be far away from what is deemed as acceptable in the norms of society. Fantasies can be having unprotected sex with a stranger. Or having group sex. Or outdoor sex. Or cheating on your partner. Or even being cheated on. Take a moment to have your most arousing fantasy in your mind from beginning to end. And check what is the peak erotic moment of that fantasy. Now you can think of other fantasies and check their peak erotic moment. Are they the same? Are they different?

Next, try to see if you can find your Erotic Theme Template: this is the basic story that sets the stage for all your fantasy stories. An example of an erotic theme can be: ‘I try to resist my sexual urges and I give in’. Or ‘I want to have sex with my partner but he’s avoidant, I overcome his avoidance in the end’. Or ‘I submit to all pleasures that my partner wants to give me’. Or ‘I am the provider of sexual pleasure and I am in charge’. And so on and so forth.

Now that you’re back in your daily life, you can use some of your holiday sexual time and your erotic theme template to experiment with something new in the familiar bedroom: you might want to make yourself the cocktail that you drank on holiday, whilst waiting for your partner undress you, only to resist him, until you give in: blending in holiday and erotic theme template together.

It is also a good time to experiment with other things, like sex toys for example. There are a few that can be good to use together. Why don’t you spend a little time browsing an online sex toy store and look if there is anything interesting? If not, you can still have a laugh together.

(Psychosexual & Relationship Psychotherapist)

Silva has extensive experience working with individuals and couples struggling with their sex lives and their relationships. He works with all sexuality and gender diversity, including members of the LGBTQ community. Silva Neves is passionate about helping people achieve their best sexual health.

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