When I see couples, irrespective to what they present with, I work on their communication. Most of us listen to reply, rather than to hear. We want to express our opinions and emotions, to have our voice heard. With sex communication can be tricky, we tend to feel awkward and therefore avoid the topic, or we can end up arguing.
However, talking about sex is incredibly beneficial, it may mean you have more opportunities to enthusiastically give consent, get your desires/fantasies met and build intimacy.
In this article I hope that you can learn how to share and communicate your sexual desires in an effective way. This can be a scary step for a lot of people. Most couples rarely talk about sex, let alone share openly about their sexual desires, however some tips below may ease that anxiety.
So how do you start communicating your desires with sexual partners?
Firstly, you’ve got to know what your desires are! Do you have any fantasies? Is there something you like or dislike? Something that you have always wanted to try? There are a few different ways to do this.
First and foremost is the ever-educating masturbation! If you are well versed on your body and what works for you, then I shall say no more! If however, you are struggling to relax or find different ways to feel aroused another idea is reflecting back to previous sexual encounters. This can be with your partner or previous sexual partners. I call this the good sex and the not-so-good sex! Think back to those times and try recall what was arousing for you. Using pointers such as; what was the atmosphere/ambience like? Was there a connection with your partner? Were there certain things/positions that either of you did? Can you recall any feelings or thoughts? Investigate those incidences because they can tell you a lot about how you are aroused and specific desires.
Think it through first:
First and foremost, I would always suggest talking about sex in nonsexual scenarios. This permits for more clear conversations, where you can both feel heard. Although talking about desires in passionate moments is fab, misinterpretation can occur and feelings can be hurt. An open dialogue (without any alcohol/ drugs please!) means that everyone can be on the same page. Thus, opening up the realm of possibilities!
During this conversation try to be present. Put that phone away! Use active listening strategies like repeating back what you understand of what the other person has said. Try to validate feelings, and be sure you’re truly listening as much as you’d like to be heard.
If you’re feeling awkward and you find the conversation difficult. Try to be factual. Begin with the fundamentals of what you like and don’t like with foreplay. Think about how you like to be touched. Perhaps start with “ I really like it when you__” or “It turns me on when you __”. Try using examples of previous times too. “Remember last week when you ___ ? That felt really good”
More often than not we have different preferences to our partner. Knowing that’s OK is one thing, showing it is another. If your partner has different preferences, talking through and seeing if you can negotiate or compromise may be really helpful; alternating turns in what you like, or combining fantasies are a few options. Remember; we are all entitled to our likes and dislikes, especially in an area as personal as sexual satisfaction. The other side of that coin is that your partner is too.
Communication increases the opportunity to express what you have enjoyed, come up with ways to join forces and share experiences. This, ultimately cultivates and improves your relationship. With open communication, the possibilities of your sex life only multiply.